An open letter

Dear St Valentine,

I am writing to you about a beautiful young person who has been in my life for four months now.

I have a request to make of you but before doing so, I feel that you should know more about him. For one thing he has two hearts - his own and mine. I'm not complaining. I gave him mine willingly, and like it right where it is. His name is Danil but for some time now I've called him Baby and don't believe I can change.

Unfortunately, on March 7, anger engulfed me and my blind eyes, I forgot how fascinatingly beautiful he has always been, how strangely he has acquired an added and special and dangerous loveliness. It was frightful the state I allowed myself to be in.

Since I left him, I have been constantly depressed. My happiness is to be near him. Incessantly I live in my memory his caresses, his tears, his affectionate solicitude. The charms of his incomparable kindle continually a burning and glowing flame in my heart.

How I do hope he is happy now. I earnestly pray, this may be the rite of passage for our relationship now, that once we have learnt to grow and love, free from all harassing care, shall I be able to pass all my time with him, having only to love him, and to think only of the happiness of saying so, and of proving it to him?

Surely we had reasons of ending it, but back at the start we didn't need reasons for anything. It just happened, we didn't need a reason to fall in love. The reasons came at the end, and everything that's happened since has all about reasons.

A part of me hopes he still remember what it was like before all the reasons, because surely I do. And I hope he misses me dearly too.

So my request of you, St Valentine, is - could you on this day, when he sees this post, whisper in his ear that someone loves him very much and more and more each day, and that I adore him more than ever? Also tell him, this "someone" would always have him in a special place in his heart and would do anything to have him back.

Thank you.

Love,
Edmund.

Let's runaway and never look back

 Last night I had the biggest tiff with D and I made the rashest decision to breakup. I know the rational thing to do would have been to talk things out and try to solve the problem but I didn't. Maybe D isn't the fucked up one, I am. Or maybe we both are fucked up, that's why we were/are so in love. I don't know anymore.

When I look at you I see this perfect person, then there's me, this weird crazy person with all these problems. And I don't see how you chose me but please.. Just Stay.

EAT SLEEP RAVE REPEAT (CNY)

Firstly, I apologise for the really shitty quality of this photo (taken on PhotoBooth with bad lighting). I just wanted to show off the amount of angbaos I received this year ^^ LOL okay stop Edmund.  

The long Chinese New Year break is over in the blink of an eye (the horror) and work beckons tomorrow. I don't know why I find it so hard to deal with the whole NS affair sometimes. I mean, I should be glad that every single day is actually one day closer to my ORD. Henceforth, note to self: It is not a chore to go to camp.

This year, I tried really really hard to take #ootd shots for #CNY because I don't know, it's the only time of the year I actually bothered to put in some effort to dress up. And also I have been wearing green (army uniform) almost everyday for the past two fucking years. I need to preserve my sanity yar. So here are my looks for Day 1 - 4. Sorry for poking fun at people who take #ootd shots and calling them trying-too-hard, I never knew it was this difficult I'M SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME. 

I brought D on a little cultural adventure at the River Hongbao on Day 1. I cannot believe that goon has never been to this CNY funfair despite living here for close to ten years now. Champion. It brought back many memories of me playing the rifle shooting games at the carnival when I was a kid. My mom would make me use my own angbaos to pay for the games and I would actually spend close to 100 bucks on them (do you know how much 100 dollars mean to a seven-year-old boy???) omg.

Ok can.

Today D and I went to the rustic Spathe to celebrate our monthsary. It was a date. A. DATE. A FREAKING DATE!! It has been a while since we went out on a proper date. I mean, I have no qualms or feel ashamed to say that we are kinda in the "broke as fuck" couple category because one is a student while the other is an NSF. So, please give us a break. We just don't splurge on expensive gifts and instead we spend on good food and hit the gym (quite a lot) #fitsporations. 

Omg I have to rave about how fucking good the 12-hour Slow Cooked Pork Belly was. The meat literally melts in your mouth - it was about six pure succulent slices of pork belly served atop a savoury base of non-creamy mashed potatoes infused with a hint of garlic goodness. Together with a poached egg dripping its golden yolk onto the meat when broken open, it was an exquisite combination.

Mmmmmmm. 

"Falling in love is a crazy thing to do."

We caught the movie, Her, after dinner and I would say that this is a movie about how wistful and lonely a person is in modern society. While Theodore may worry that his love for Samantha (the Operating System) makes him a freak, the skeptical Amy knows that "anybody who loves is a freak." In our quest for pleasure, we have become selfish, boxed and very unhappy. I guess this movie tastefully portrays the sad truth that it will be easier to have a meaningful relationship with a computer than with another human being in the near future. Boohoo.



WELL OKAY LETS NOT BE SAD ABOUT THAT MOVIE AND MARVEL AT THESE CUTE LAPRAS STICKERS THAT D GOT ME. I have been hinting and yapping about wanting Lapras stickers on Twitter and that sweetheart actually printed these for me hehehe I AM IN LOVE WITH THE MOST AMAZING PERSON EVER. <3_<3

Sun-date

I finally managed to grab hold of the girl today who is back from Perth after a year (she's been back for five weeks wtf). It made me realise how time flies because the last time I saw her we had dimsum at Katong. It feels like it was just two months ago.

So this time, we decided to go for something more westernised at Wimbly Lu. I have never been picky about eating because I believe that food is just for survivability and you know, why bother spending so much on something with the sole purpose of fueling the body? But yeah, ever since I met D, that foodie has been bringing me to many food adventures (story for another day) and they were actually mostly cheap and yummy! n_n

As I was saying (I deserve the prize for top digresser thank you), we had lunch and we spoke so much about universities, building portfolios and securing a job in the advertising/fashion industry (I suppose life now is all about the concern for a better future). Oh how she would stay up until four in the morning to send her resumé to Harper's BAZAAR just so hers would be the first in the e-mail list #asians LOL. Sure enough though, she scored an interview and was employed as an intern within a few days wtf.

I went on to meet D for our supposed gym session but we ended up having a three-hour long talk at a bench because things have been rough between us and I have been so nettled by it. As always, our problems weren't solved and I came home with ruptured insides. AND I CAME BACK SEEING THIS.

TO THIS.

THIS. Was the beginning of our beautiful love story. Of a time I realised I was in love. Of a time we went against what our minds told us (not to fall in love with each other) and followed our hearts. It is true what they say about the best love story being the one where you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time.

I don't know when, I don't know how did we fall into this rut. All I know is that I want to feel the sunlight warm and soothing on my naked skin again.

To be enough.

Just the other day, I was having a casual catchup sesh with Mel over Skype and she told me that she is dating again. I was happy as hell for her because her last relationship.. let's just say it didn't end so well. Then she said that the new guy she is seeing now is out of her league and I told her that she should dismiss that thought straightaway. I mean, by thinking like this, you are already setting yourself up for, you know, failure in the relationship - you face the constant need to feel validated and be worthy of him/her. The other party will eventually grow tired of pacifying you every two minutes and fights will occur increasingly. Nonetheless, I am no expert in this field myself and this here is just my two cents.

What I'm trying to say here is actually. All these supposed upbringings of humility have become an insecurity of being not good enough, all these supposed upbringings of striving for the best have become setting stifling expectations and a competitive nature, all these supposed upbringings of empathy have become a mirage of optimism with no hates (who are we kidding really???) and the list goes on further nyeahh.

So yes, what I'm really really trying to say here is (HAHA I know I digress a lot I'm surprised you are still reading on). Your mind can conceive and achieve what it wants to believe. As much as you hear people constantly yapping about fuck what the society thinks of you and just be who you are, that is only half true. Cross my heart and hope to die. You are the people you surround yourself with. It is your colleagues, families, classmates and your friends that ultimately influence you to think what you believe in. Learn to forget about the sorrowful past (if you do have one) and surround yourself with optimism and life will shine bright for you.

To pessimistic adults/independent beings: Your upbringing may have mould you into who you are today and you may hate yourself for it or may be feeling sore about it, don't be. What matters now is not to be bitter about the past and constantly remind ourselves to be happy in the things we are doing today for a better tomorrow. Be satisfied and grateful with what you have.

Now back to the casual Edmund rant of life, it is one week to CNY and I am so friggin' excited!! I am imagining myself filling up with all the pineapple tarts, love letters, barbequed pork and stuff. No calorie counting and a fishbowl tummy for a food baby. ^^

As they say, Rome wasn't built overnight.

I was reading some online articles a moment ago, just marvelling at how brilliantly some people can write, and I was in awe; in awe how some writers have the ability to literally make words come alive and it always blows me away (a trip to France I hope haha ok lame). As a writer myself, it is always jarring to see another person's work getting published instead of my own. You start to wonder if you are not funny enough, or your content is not good enough, or perhaps, you're just not good enough in this entire entity.

It's really such times that I shudder to think about what would happen after I complete this two-year  National Service stint in 120+ days. Don't get me wrong, of course I have a grand plan of going to university (I have already applied for school and will most probably get the placing I want) and then working in a renowned advertising/marketing firm and live the life I have always dreamed of. Well the questions are as follow: Who would hire a fresh grad like me?? What makes me x67899367092 better than the others?

I am a control freak and I know it. Every time I think about the uncertainties that my future brings; all the worries about my future surfacing like tiny air bubbles rising to the top of a carbonated drink with a soft fizzle, a tremendous part inside of me dies. I start to doubt myself and my capabilities; the fizzing in the Coke bottle never never ends.

Until perhaps, the drink turns stale.

I mean, yeah, it's great that I (try to) read and write a lot, I have a diploma to give me an edge over other people in the industry and for further study, plus I was brought up in this, as Singaporeans would call it, Jiak Kantung (which is "eat potatoes in dialect" and means English-speaking / can't speak Mandarin), environment and the friends I hang out with do have a good command of English AND Mandarin, I should have no qualms in saying that I am well-versed in the English Language.

So I guess I just have to constantly remind myself that I am stuck in this rat race and I would not quit because quitting is for losers and nothing worthwhile is easy. Perhaps I will always be the little boy outside peering into the shop's glass window, perhaps someday I will be a famous poet like C.S. Lewis or Sylvia Plath. I'll never know where the future goes and where my life will eventually takes me, but I know that it comes back to the theory of practicing for 1000 hours. The future is mine to craft for I am the master of my own destiny, and I have to make the best out of the present (CHEEEEEEEEEEEESY but it's true).

Lighthouse

So there’s this boy who must have some pathetic illusions about himself or he would not be able to go on living. Because people are just as happy as they make up their minds to be. Until, of course, reality smashes our faces in with a sledgehammer. 

When disappearances happen, pains go phantom, blood stops running and people.. people simply fade. There is so much more to say - but that has disappeared too. Let them come out as sighs: the world will soak it up.

Quit the talk, start the walk.

Oftentimes we see many people so good at grousing about their work, school projects, weather, finances; basically complaining about everything and how life is so awful. Yet we neither make changes nor do something to improve the situations. Alas, I wouldn't have the spunk to say this without a sheepish grin because I am guilty of it as well. It is an unshakable truth that we take so much in life for granted. We overlook the remarkable features that are ingrained within our daily lives. It is like when you wake up in the morning, you swing your legs out of bed and you put your feet on the ground and you stand up. You don't scoot to the edge of the bed and look down to make sure the floor is there. The floor is always there.

Until it is not.

Perpetual creates Eventual.

Lately, I have been hugely consumed by wanderlust (partly because my ORD date is well nigh; mainly because I have been so enthralled by all the Groupon travel deals I see on my phone HAHA). So many times, I have dreamt of going home, jump on my bed, turn on my MacBook and purchase a one way ticket to NYC:

I would pack my most valuable possessions (because I know I can't take them all with me), say good bye to my family and friends, and hop on a plane and land in the most amazing city I’ve ever visited. I would stay with my friends for a couple weeks until I find an apartment in Brooklyn. It’s small, but whatever, it’s New York. I start out working nights as a bartender, it’s what I know best before I am offered a shoe in with a small advertising company as an assistant.

I come home from work, change, and go straight back to work as a bartender at night. I need to pay the bills somehow. When I return, late at night, I sip on a mug of tea, curl up on my mattress on the floor of my small service apartment, look out the window at the dim lit streets and think to myself, “This is worth it."

Sigh but I digress. All I can do now is to endure the painful few weeks left with the organisation and avoid hurling on the entire testosterone parade, too much. 

There's something terrible about Reality.

Yesterday I had yoghurt with Sylvia Plath. We didn't do much we just stared at each other but it was as if I was reading her mind. Or maybe I wasn't. I just pretended that I was.

At night I had some sugar with the Angelina Jolie and a close friend that knows my secrets. We drank not too little and danced our pants off to innocence. It was annoying how my hat kept falling off while I offered strawberries which I took out of the bag that both the Abu Dhabi kid and I have. Slowly towards the dawn of the new day, the Abu Dhabi kid brought mr incredible along with a pretty namesake and we proceeded on with Mcdonald's breakfast. I wanted to know why my song wasn't playing that night. And then everything was a buzz and no one remembers what is there to do. There is much ado about nothing, but something may be everything.

Here I am typing out my whimsical life of this and that, the high and the low, the poor J who is so cute and I am sorry for no absolute reason. That I am in very much control of my alcohol tolerance. In such that I am full of poison, but I shouldn't be blamed since I am rather magnificent. Or fine it was all under the influence of alcohol I swear.

Today we woke up at 2 because Peter Parker called, if not, we'll probably still be asleep.